'And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.'
Matthew 10:38-39
This hit me hard this morning as I read it as part of my devotional. Interestingly, I was thinking about this and praying about it yesterday, taking up my cross daily and following Him.
May 28th would have been our 26th wedding anniversary and for the last couple of weeks "the grief" has been bearing down on me. Memorial Day is part of that week of grief. I don't celebrate it, I endure it, and wrestle with it and try to figure out how to escape it.
When I go through times like this where the grief hits hard, I realize that most of it is my unwillingness to surrender my circumstances to God. I don't understand why things are the way they are and that makes me frustrated and angry to go along with the sad. As a result I try to find my life instead of just laying it down before Him. It's a lack of faith and trust in Him. It's kind of like I'm saying to God, "Well, God, You certainly don't really care about me because if You did, then I wouldn't be stuck here in this situation and in this sadness."
The thing is that my viewpoint is incredibly myopic. He knows, He understands and He has good things ahead. He says so..."he who loses his life for My sake, will find it."
But, it's hard to see that in the middle of the grief.
And, who really wants to take up his or her cross anyways?
That doesn't sound very nice. I just wanted to have some good coffee and a sunrise and scroll through a few baby Yoda memes. Take up my cross? No way!
Roman crucifixion was one of the most horrific ways to die, and when Jesus carried that cross towards the hill known as "the skull" in Jerusalem, for crimes he didn't commit, He was literally doing God's work and God's will.
That's the point of what Jesus was saying here: doing God's will...laying down my life for His sake in order to find what He wants for me. That takes faith! I want to find my life myself. You know, pick myself up by my bootstraps and "make it happen." The American way...word harder, be a mover and a shaker, find the path and step out: "God helps those who helps themselves" you hear people say.
The problem is, that old proverb is not in Proverbs. It's not anywhere in the Bible.
God says lose your life for His sake and you will find it. It's upside down, from our point of view.
As this week of Memorial Day and my wedding anniversary day move forward, I find myself in a time of sorrow for what I have lost. I really hate these times, to be honest, and not just because of the pain that it brings, but also because I end up focusing on myself and not on Him. I'm thankful for a kind, patient, loving, merciful God who DOES totally understand what I am going through and waits for me to stop thrashing around so that He can give me the comfort and hope that only He can give.
I encourage you today to just be honest with God. If you're wrestling with grief and loss, in whatever form or shape it comes in, lay it down before Him. Lose your life for His sake and He promises He will give you life that is way better.