Anguish and Intensity

Anguish. This is a word I have heard and read and understood the definition of, but have never truly felt.

Until now.

Merriam-Webster defines anguish as "extreme pain, distress or anxiety." Anguish is the only thing that can explain feeling like I have a 400 pound weight on my chest when I start looking at photos of my wife, or step over some of her things as I walk through my bedroom or look at all her clothes and cards and trinkets and try to figure out what I should do with them.

I'm sitting at my dining room table this morning, looking out on a very cold day. Ice is forming on the lake, sea smoke is rising from the water, frost and snow and ice are everywhere. As I look out on my deck I observe the black cover on my barbecue grill. While I have been sitting here, it slowly went from being covered with snow and ice and frost to being completely clear and dry and warm. There are heat waves radiating from the black material and the snow and ice is melting and dripping and puddling. Steam is rising from where coldness and darkness was before.

The intensity of the sun on that black cover overcame the frozenness left over from the cold night. Pretty amazing that so much heat could be generated when it is still quite cold outside.

It reminds me of where I currently find myself in life. I feel frozen in time during these weeks following the passing of my wife from this life into the eternal life of Jesus. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to move. It's hard to get going. I have little energy. Just like ice and snow are the results of removing the energy from water, I feel like all my energy has been removed and I am stuck in a dark and frozen wasteland.

But God...has been showing me so many things! I'm reading a book by Lisa Terkeurst called, "It's Not Supposed to Be This Way." I'm reading it along with my daughter and a friend who lost her husband 11 years ago in a sudden and unexpected manner and who has been walking this path I am on now. This is not a book I would ever pick up on my own. It is written by a woman, from a woman's perspective, for women. But because she wrote this book from the perspective of being in the midst of significant trauma, there are a lot of parallels to what I am dealing with. Most importantly, there is a lot of truth.

Something I was reading today really struck me along those lines. On page 121, Lysa makes a couple statements that resonated with me. "News comes at us to tell us what we are dealing with. Truth comes from God and then helps us process all we are dealing with." She also says, "News and Truth aren't always the same."

Melissa is physically dead. That is news. It is also truth. Thankfully, however, there is more to the truth:

Melissa is with Jesus in eternity; alive, perfected, painless, sinless, radiant and glorious with the reflection of God's presence. Not only that; she is finally fully experiencing love because God IS love.

Lysa also listed some key truths to cling to in times of trouble. God's truth:

I am the way and the truth and the life. John 14:6

I am forever faithful. Psalm 146:6

I am with you. Isaiah 41:10

I am holding you. Psalm 73:23

I am your hiding place. Psalm 32:7

For today, I am taking comfort and hope in Isaiah 41:10:

"So, do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

I have also been clinging to Joshua 1:9:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid or, not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Maybe you're going through a tough time right now and things seem bleak. You don't know what is going to happen next and you feel frozen. Just like the sun's intensity on that grill cover is melting that ice and snow and making the cover glow with radiance and warmth, take comfort that a different Son, the Son of God...Jesus Christ, will also apply the intensity of his love to thaw your icy, snowy and bleak days so that you can feel His warmth.

I like hearing the truth from Jesus himself in John 5:24:

"Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgement, but has passed from death to life."

Romans 8:37 sums it up:

"Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

He has conquered death and given us hope to overcome the darkness and coldness and bleakness of this world.

God never promises to keep us out of the valley, but He does promise to be in the valley with us walking beside us, walking in front of us and carrying us when we can't walk at all. I'm glad for that.